Trials and Heartache

I remember being a full time missionary and teaching people to Trust in the Lord and that things are done according the Lords Will not ours. I also remember feeling a little guilty in not being able to teach much from my own experience on these subjects- I grew up in a nice home, with good parents, in a good neighborhood-and didn't see too many trials or heartache in my life.
When I got home from my mission and started back in the dating realm I experienced what I thought-until today were trials and heartache.
Today our family has felt heartache-today we received confirmation that after 5 weeks, we've lost our baby. Its been an emotional roller coaster in which trying to stay positive and look at the "bigger picture" feels impossible. When I first found out about this pregnancy something in the back of my mind had told me I was going to miscarry- however I figured that was me being paranoid-So I did what most moms-to be do-got excited and started thinking of names.
However I knew something was wrong this last week as I started to have symptoms that aren't "normal" in healthy pregnancies-nor did I have when I got pregnant with Luke.
On Friday night- we spent a good 4-5 hrs in the Laramie ER. Because I wasn't too far a long in my pregnancy they couldn't do an Ultra Sound to hear the heart beat. Instead, they tested my HCG levels in my blood and told me they were low for 5 weeks-howere they wouldn't be certain about anything 'til I got tested on Monday morning to compare results( in a healthy pregnancy your HCG level doubles every 48 hours).
It was a very loooong weekend. We were debating if I should just stay in bed and rest or if we should continue with our plans as normal. I needed to take my mind off of things so I voted for continuing as normal. The weekend came and went and I felt fine-which of course made me feel optimistic about Mondays test.
Well- here it is Monday and I went to the hospital first thing to get this all over with and my worrying over with-so I hoped. Sadly my test results didn't show my HCG level double in the last 48 hours. I was able to keep it together 'til I got in the car.
Sure- I know that misscariages are common in pregnancies and there is always a chance for complications-but until it actually happens- until you have the Dr. confirming it all- it seems like it could happen to anyone BUT you!
I'm finding myself trying to hold onto those truths that I taught in Portland several years ago. I feel like maybe if I didn't do this or that- than it would have been fine-knowing in the back of my mind that this isn't our fault. Its so hard and feels almost unfair to have a righteous desire of growing our family and it feeling like its being taken away-this is our trial and our heartache.
I'm grateful that the Lord has blessed us with one healthy child- I will NEVER take that for granted-nor will I take for granted-when ready- to be pregnant again.